You don't know him like I do!

You have no idea how perplexing, hurtful, or devastating it is not to have anyone believe you. Yet, five out of the six of us sitting in this room this evening have experienced just that from family and friends.

What is it these family members and friends refuse to believe? It is the fact that our male partners – the fathers of our children, our husbands, our live-ins – abuse us physically and mentally.

What people do believe is that we have done something to provoke the wrath of these men. Or that in some way we are the ones who are deranged, suffering symptoms of menopause, cloudy about reality or the perpetrators of abuse. Our black eye, broken heart or attempted suicide does not convince them of what they don't want to see. Their cold-hearted refusal to help, belief in his lies or their firing us from our jobs makes us a victim for the second time.

But why do they refuse to see the truth? "He couldn't be capable of that. It couldn't be as bad as that. He didn't mean it that way," they say. Many of us think they don't want to recognize the abuse. If they are men, they prefer to stick together. If our partners are upstanding, hold a good job, attend church and put on a good front in public, it is easier to dismiss our claims than question his character. Not believing us gives them an excuse not to act in our behalf.

And if they do ask, "What do you want me to do about it?" what is your answer?

The truth is, we have decided after opening up to one another for an hour that we are the ones who have to be willing to listen! Venting is soothing. Sympathy is comforting. But talk is cheap. The important thing is doing something about your own abuse.

It is equally devastating to admit that for three years a mother told one of us to "get out, leave the abuse," and yet one of us stayed. We have witnessed our mothers' abuse but still refused to learn their lessons. The physical and emotional pain from this is great. Life seems unbearable; the anger towards oneself if frightening and painful.

The fact is before you blame someone else for not caring, you must show the courage to care enough about yourself to leave. You must show the wisdom to find yourself. We are here together to help each other make a fresh start. It won't be easy. It takes time to heal, to gather strength, to empty out the anger, to believe in ourselves, to vow not to go back. Fortunately, we are taking the first step.

Women who have made the choice,

Carolyn, Tiffany Sara, Deborah and Sharon